30/05/25: From Nikki Thornton, Orri Service Manager.
If you’re wondering how to help someone with anorexia, you’re not alone – supporting someone with Anorexia can be exceptionally challenging. If you have found your way to this blog, no doubt there is someone that you care deeply about that you are concerned about and balancing your own feelings alongside the needs and feelings of the individual that you observe to be struggling is a very delicate tension. Navigating how and when to approach someone that you know is, or feel may be, suffering with Anorexia can feel difficult to discern.
What we know is that early intervention for eating disorders in crucial, but we also know that eating disorders by nature can be secretive, deceptive, extremely convincing, not to mention very powerful when challenged which can make it difficult for people to speak up. Support, thankfully, can take many forms and this blog hopes to break down some of those ways to equip you in lovingly coming alongside the individual.
This guide outlines some do’s and don’ts when it comes to helping someone with an eating disorder, offering practical tips and encouragement so you can feel more confident in offering care and compassion.
“Do’s” when supporting someone with an eating disorder
Say what you see
Talking about anorexia doesn’t have to start with big, emotional conversations. If you have concerns about someone’s behaviours being eating disorder related, it can be very useful to literally say what you see! Focusing on the behaviours themselves can move the focus away from an individual feeling attacked or cornered. For example,
- ‘I’ve noticed that every time we talk about going to get some food, you say you’ve already eaten.’
- ‘I can’t help but notice that you’re exercising a lot more recently’,
- ‘I’ve noticed that you’ve been wearing much baggier clothes and hiding your body recently’.
Observations can be a good starting place to invite discussion which can be helpful when emotions are high on both sides.
Listen without judgement
Leading with curiosity and compassion is always a helpful starting place. People that are experiencing eating disorders are often very closely aligned to their own critical voice and shame, and perceiving that they are being met with anger, impatience or not being listened to is likely to shut down the individual.
Eating disorders are by nature, a protective mechanism and therefore it is possible that they will feel defensive and threatened if they are uncovered. Listening without judgement can help to disarm some of the shame and allows the individual to lead with their experience rather than other’s assumption.
Curiosity is also a helpful tool when managing your own feelings in confronting a loved one with an eating disorder; , you may be battling frustrations, anger, sadness or impatience to name a few, and curiosity can help contain some of these emotions from taking the wheel in the conversation.
Remember that recovery is a process
It is important to remember that recovery is not linear. People that are experiencing eating disorders may find some of the most challenging points of recovery to be when they perceive that others think that they are better or ‘should be’ better, either due to time expectations or body changes as a marker of change.
Supporting someone with an eating disorder requires consistency and checking in often; this can really help to disarm some of the unhelpful narratives of individuals only being worthy of support or help if they are ‘sick enough’ or look a certain way. People experiencing that their needs can be met by people in recovery, not just when they are unwell, is integral to sustained recovery.
Encourage them to seek help for their eating disorder
Whilst it is worth noting that an individual may not be ready to receive support with their eating disorder, from yourself or otherwise, gently encouraging them to reach out to services is brave and important step. Get creative here.
- Can you offer to help them research eating disorder clinics or therapists?
- Can you offer to attend the appointment with them?
- Or perhaps offer to meet afterwards to talk it through
Your support can ease the fear and shame around them asking for support with their eating disorder.
Look after yourself, too
Please don’t underestimate the impact to you when supporting someone with an eating disorder. It is really important that you protect and look after your own mental health in the process. Expressions such as ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ and ‘put on your own mask before other’s’ exist for good reason. Modelling that you are looking after yourself and protecting your own emotional world and boundaries is powerful for people in recovery to witness and hopefully, they will start to replicate.
It is important to remember that recovery is not linear. People that are experiencing eating disorders may find some of the most challenging points of recovery to be when they perceive that others think that they are better or ‘should be’ better, either due to time expectations or body changes as a marker of change.
“Don’t’s” when supporting someone with an eating disorder
Engage in unhelpful narratives
I’d invite you to get curious about your own narratives around food and/or bodies. Narratives around foods being ‘earned’ or ‘deserved’ can be normalised in diet culture and society in general and this can be exceptionally dangerous for someone suffering with Anorexia who may struggle with giving themselves permission to eat. Foods being labelled good or bad and becoming directly linked to the individual therefore being good or bad and we want to interrupt any narratives that collude with this idea. Eg. ‘I’ve been so good today, I didn’t have any chocolate’. ‘I’m so greedy for having had that meal last night’. We want to move away from assigning any morality to food.
Similarly, commenting on changes to bodies, or indeed commenting on bodies at all, can be very damaging. Once you start getting curious about how often this happens, you can’t unhear it! Try to avoid saying things like:
- ‘They looked fantastic the other day’
- ‘I feel so big today’
Even comments such as ‘you look really well and healthy’ can be interpreted negatively by someone with anorexia so moving away from any of this talk can be helpful. We are wanting to invite people into a focus on what food can do for the individual’s body, and what the body can do for the individual, rather than the focus on the body’s worth being intrinsically linked to how it looks.
Please be encouraged; relationship and connection is key in supporting someone with an eating disorder.The fact that you have even read to this point in the blog suggests that your heart to support someone with Anorexia is there!
Don’t assume you’ll get it right every time
Expect that you will get it wrong, you are human, but how you continue to show up and learn together what support works for the individual is the focus. Eating disorders can serve to isolate individuals, so showing up in the opposite action of reaching out and connecting relationally in as many ways as you possible to challenge the narratives of isolation is a powerful tool of support.
Don’t stop showing up, even if they do.
We are wanting to invite people into a focus on what food can do for the individual’s body, and what the body can do for the individual, rather than the focus on the body’s worth being intrinsically linked to how it looks.
We’re here to help
If you or someone you care about is struggling, get in touch with Orri’s team. We’re here to listen, advise, and offer a safe space for recovery.
