Regular Guest Blogger, Mollie, shares her feelings and learnings from her eating disorder recovery.
“This piece I wrote is about the recovery process and the reality of how it can feel at times. There are times where it can feel like there are so many dark and cloudy days but you gradually start to notice that brighter days start to happen and are never too far behind.
When you start to take control of your eating disorder, start living and become the person you want to be away from that identity, you start to see that there are more blue skies and the clouds pass by easier and the rainy days become a lot less. You start really living, being the person you truly want to be and enjoying life again, which is the best feeling when you haven’t felt that for a long time.“
Mollie
I am starting to learn that maybe I have to accept that some things I may not be able to change or erase from my past and the things I have lost from having an eating disorder. Instead, I am trying to learn how to manage better and still live a healthy life and still achieve the things I want to do despite the things that have happened.
From all that I have been through the last 11 years battling this illness, I know that I won’t be able to eradicate everything I have faced but learn to accept and manage when these thoughts and feelings do arise with the tools and coping skills to let it go and carry on despite the negativity that fills my mind. Like a passing cloud.
The negative voice or thought in that dark cloud, I see it, I feel it, I am recognising it but I am letting it pass by and eventually it will clear. The rain will come but I know the blue skies are not far behind. I am understanding that this is how life is and it is not all blue skies. I always thought that I had to have this constant feeling of happiness and positivity all the time. Like I have to keep it together because I thought that meant I was getting things right. When I hit a bad point or struggled with something and things just didn’t go to plan I always felt like I failed and kept getting this wrong. I turned back to my anorexia every time to help cope with this negative feeling. I wanted to find the answers to how I can find this linear pattern of life and not have this constant ebb and flow battle and downward spirals. A linear pattern to me meant that I was getting it right but since coming out of hospital, being in life and in a better place in my own recovery I am realising that there is no such thing as life being linear.
I was striving for the constant upward line and burning myself out because I felt that I wasn’t getting it right still as everything felt so hard. I am letting go of that because life is not all blue skies and actually I don’t want life to be all blue skies because the clouds and darker days have allowed me to grow, get stronger and learn more about myself along the way. It makes you really appreciate the good days however much you wish the cloudy, rainy and dark days did not exist.
I have so much awareness and control over how I connect with myself and then respond to these thoughts, which does take time. I have been faced with so many demons and obstacles to get over constantly and each time I have noticed I am able to face and get over them a lot better and quicker. I am learning new skills and want to take care of myself better. I am choosing life and choosing to fight against what that voice tells me so I can be the person I want to be and live the life I want to live.
The ebbs and flows are all part of the journey and that’s okay. You just need to keep getting up and keep trying every day because it does get easier when you start to take control and stand up for yourself. Not the illness controlling and dictating your life.
It is possible, never give up because you deserve so much better and there is a brighter life on the other side.
If you have felt inspired by this experience and wish to feature your own on our website, you can submit a Guest Blog for Orri here.
