Our guest blogger shares their experience of overcoming loneliness and adversity in their recovery from anorexia and how they began to own their narrative.
For an illness that is often falsely stereotyped as a search for vanity or attention, the years I spent with anorexia were the loneliest of my life.
It would have been hard to predict that the confident young girl who dreamt of a life on stage would become a teenager who was afraid of the outside world. But that’s how anorexia changes you. Everything you once knew becomes different until suddenly, you don’t know who you are.
Anorexia fills you with promises, security, and perfection. You listen to its rules, and at first, it feels good, euphoric perhaps. It doesn’t last, but you are chasing that feeling of euphoria you first had. The voice of anorexia becomes stronger than those around you. Being lonely and starving becomes more exciting than evenings out with friends.
No friend was ever as good as anorexia. They didn’t give the same feeling as stepping on the scale and sensing victory. In fact, they got in the way of it. ‘Want to go out to eat?’, ‘I’m ordering a pizza tonight for dinner, do you want to share?’. You soon realise that almost every social interaction involves food and so you associate going out not with the people but the food.
‘No thank you, I’m busy tonight’ was sent hundreds of times until the messages stopped appearing and the friends had moved on. Then when you try to move on from anorexia, you realise that the outside world never stopped moving and here you are alone, two steps behind.
Going to university was a brilliant opportunity for a fresh start. New people are all there with a purpose to make friends. Maybe this was the chance to trade the loneliness of anorexia for meaningful friendships and relationships. This is until you realise that just because you’ve moved cities doesn’t mean you’ve moved brains and you are still those few steps behind.
Now let me take you into a uni night out. Getting ready together, choosing cute strappy outfits, getting drunk off sugary drinks, having the energy to dance, socialise, oh and don’t forget the end of the night kebab and cold walk home. Sounds fun right? Now read it again and think in the mind of someone with an eating disorder. Not so much fun anymore.
When everything you should enjoy is something you fear, being alone can become more inviting than ever but that doesn’t mean you should give in.
To anyone struggling with loneliness and an eating disorder, there is life outside of the box you may find yourself in. There’s a whole world waiting for you to explore, people to meet, and new foods to try. Since recovery, I have travelled across three continents, moved cities, and met people from all walks of life. Most importantly, I created The Weigh Up, a BBC 5 Live podcast for anyone with any eating disorder. Take small steps or big leaps – whatever brings you closer to that journey. Trust that the biggest enemy of your life is the voice telling you that you are not enough. And when you are feeling alone, remember there’s an irony in loneliness, that we all feel it the same, together.
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